When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
