Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
