just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
