i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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