Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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