dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
