i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
