Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
