Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
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