Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
