I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
