So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
