in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
