I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
