im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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