Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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