Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
