Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
