My girlfriend figured out who you are.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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