I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
