I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
