He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
