did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
