I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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