sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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