I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
