Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
