first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
