Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
