my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
