Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
