I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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