I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
