Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
