I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
they're like a gay fantastic four
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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