she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
