My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
