Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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