I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
