On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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