Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
