Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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