Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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