have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
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