I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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