Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
