i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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