Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
