last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
