party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
